Yargh grrr I be returning from a seven day journey to the gorgeous Bahamas. The gorgeous and expensive cruise to the bahamas. Did you think I was going to write this entire entry in pirate speak? HA, No, I'm not nearly that annoying...though I did think about it for a minute.
So like I said I just got back on Saturday morning from my vacation to the bahamas. It was exactly what I needed. A place to just completely forget about reality and soak up the sun on the beach. I also needed to drink and dance the night away which I definitely did for seven days straight.
Beware the room key my friends. Beware. They should seriously give that thing to you with a warning sign, you know like the ones they put on the european cigarettes. "Smoke and you'll die." The room key should say "Swipe me and enter bankruptcy." NOT kidding. You use that damn thing for everything, from buying a ten dollar fruity rum ladden drink to a box of tampons. I tried to keep track in my head but after awhile it just got too hard...meaning I was too drunk to actually keep track of the amount of stupid fruity drinks I was drinking.
On the subject of fruity drinks, aside from the fact that they always ended up being ten bucks, they were seriously deadly. The first night I was put into a rum coma since I drank about ten ounces of it yet it tasted like pineapple. How do these miracle making bartenders do that? You're drinking rum but it tastes like peaches TADA! it's magic! now you drink four of them muahaha! Yes that would be evil cackling. Then the awesome bartender from some country like Columbia hands you a receipt and you sign your life away. Just kidding. But no seriously, just sign on the dotted line and snap, charge, done.
It helps to meet someone who is rich on one of these cruises which I thought I did. I thought I could look past the physical appearance. Fat, balding and droopy eyes...but I just...couldn't. Evidently I'm a gold digger and shallow...but he waddled when he walked. You know that waddle that fat people have, it's kind of like a really slow penguin. He walked like that and I couldn't ignore the fat waddle...just couldn't. I mean this guy wanted me and wanted me bad and he was staying in one of those villas with a private jacuzzi. Can you see my eyes glowing? It's the villa not the guy trust me, he was way too hardcore about trying to get with me. Then when I found out he was unemployed and his mom was paying for everything it was really over. I couldn't even fake it anymore. And yes once again let's reiterate...I'm a horrible person. The problem now was getting rid of this guy and let me tell you even when I said straight up "I'm not interested." It didn't work. Why do guys insist that when you tell them no that you actually mean yes and are playing hard to get? I wasn't playing boy I was being perfectly serious so take the hint and take a hike homeslice.
So that ended having my drinks paid for...I felt bad using him and then at the end of the week being like haha no nookie for you. Maybe I am halfway decent...don't tell anybody.
So most of the week was spent lounging by the pool, drinking and avoiding fat man. At the end of the trip they give you your bill. When I saw mine I nearly fainted. I managed to swipe my way to $600. I didn't even start paying my mom back yet for laying out the cash. Maybe I could consider selling my eggs. I hear they pay good money for that. Somebody should use them since I never plan too. I could really help someone in need...and quickly fill my bank account.